Dear Big Wireless,
Ah, to be young again. Young like you. Did you know that 1 human year = 6.66 Billion Dollar Industry years? I wanted to say thank you. You’ve probably heard what’s been happening to me. Our reps are not as welcome in doctor’s offices and hospitals. Thirty five state attorney generals are suing. It’s not an easy time. Of course, we are still raking it in J . . . but not like you. Alright, maybe kinda like you. But what I really wanted to say is how brilliant you’ve been. I know Big Tobacco invented the playbook but they never played it so sweetly and with such aggressive, hooky panache. I mean suing San Francisco and Berkeley just for repeating your own buried warning at the point of sale? Completely buying the FCC + 98 percent of the Congress and the Senate? Going full steam on 5G after the U.S. government’s own study found you’re a carcinogen? You have confidence, let’s put it that way. You believe in yourself. And everyone believes in magic. You know that song, right? “I believe in magic, in a young cell phone zombie’s eyes.” Sorry, I was getting a little giddy. But what I really am grateful for, very grateful, is just how much money you’re making us. Alzheimer’s, ADHD, sleep problems . . . I mean just the sleep meds = big holiday bonuses into 2050 and beyond. Your total pervasiveness means that it could be another TEN YEARS before U.S. MD’s get trained to ask questions about wireless exposure when they see people with early stage microwave sickness – oh, sorry, I know you don’t like it when people say “microwaves.” Don’t sue me! Aaaahhhhgghh! Just kidding. What I meant to say was 10 YEARS before U.S. MD’s get trained to make a differential diagnosis of electro-hyper sensitivity, that delusional state where people are told they are imagining all the neurological issues that are in fact happening and that can only be addressed with “cognitive behavioral therapy”, according to Wikipedia, THE ONLY SOURCE OF TRUE INFORMATION. Speaking of which, do you still want to come over on (corporate) Independence & Personhood Day and roast “endangered” species with him? You said you would! 30,000 low altitude 5G satellites? There will really be nowhere to go. Total global saturation. Bring it on baby! Space is (literally) the perfect vacuum to beam your magical microwaves over the whole friggin’ planet. I mean if you get rid of the pollinators all those people keeping themselves healthy with “bee products” (yuck!) will be that much more vulnerable. And how are the herbal freakos going to come up with the cash to pay Baysanto for a “pollination product”? Echinacea, echifinished-ya. It’s going to be a glorious cascade of ripple effects. 5G. It sounds simple and sophisticated all at once.
Don’t forget to call and write. Oh I mean text. Or video chat. Or whatever you like to do. I know you do it all for us. You’re like the air we breathe. The air of microwaves (ssshhh!).
Love ya Big W.! Drone on!
With Gratitude, Hugs and a Celebratory Smooch (but not on the lips), Big Pharma
Jonathan Mirin is an actor/playwright who co-founded Piti Theatre Company. Piti’s current touring productions include Mirin’s solo show Canary in the Gold Mine or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love 5G and To Bee or Not to Bee.